


Hyper Love Battle

by Ghosty_Tree



Category: Kamen Rider OOO
Genre: Food Kink, Kamen Rider XXX, M/M, PWP, movie coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-08
Updated: 2012-07-08
Packaged: 2017-11-09 10:08:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/454296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghosty_Tree/pseuds/Ghosty_Tree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Making a birthday dinner for Hina is not how Ankh wants to spend the day. Thank goodness he’s gotten pretty good at distracting Eiji.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hyper Love Battle

**Author's Note:**

> So, apparently "working from home" = "writing porn", which is not what is supposed to happen, it should be "writing thesis", honestly. But at least now I’m not sitting at my desk _thinking_ about writing porn, so maybe it’s for the best, eh?
> 
> This is my take on the Terebi-kun Hyper Battle Video, ‘cause seriously you can’t start a video with Ankh basically performing fellatio on a popsicle and not have me think there’s _something_ going on there. I firmly believe that the directors love us though, otherwise they wouldn’t keep directing Ankh and Eiji to make what is obviously soft core porn in the guise of children’s tv.
> 
> Standard disclaimers that I do not own any of these characters, I’m just playing around with them, but I do want to give a huge shout out to [Michanna](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Michanna) who suggested the only plausible explanation for why Ankh and Eiji could miss a throw.  
> And of course the excellent assistance and guidance I continue to receive from [MissMollyEtc](http://archiveofourown.org/users/missmollyetc/pseuds/missmollyetc). Thanks ever so MUCH!
> 
> As always your **Kudos and Comments** are well loved and appreciated, like adorable little puppies or tardigrades.

“Ankh, stop that, and help,” Eiji whines, trying to keep his eyes on the – very sharp – knife he’s using to cut carrots. 

“Stop what?” Ankh chuckles, not moving from his perch on the counter where he’s watching Eiji cook. It’s the safest place to be in the kitchen right now, since although Eiji seems to have migrated behind the island in Cous Coussier’s kitchen, he’s managed to leave quite the trail of dirty mixing bowls, whipped frosting, and – Ankh shudders – chopped fruit. Ankh is certain that if he were to move, even though he’s on the other side of the kitchen, either him or his seat would quickly end up covered in something _supposedly_ edible.

“You know! That!” Eiji gestures at Ankh, pointing across the kitchen’s island with his knife.

Unconcerned - Ankh figures Eiji’s far more likely to accidentally cut off his own finger than actually make good on the inherit threat - he returns to lapping at the tip of the ice with his tongue. He snorts derisively. “The deal was a premium ice, and I’ll come to this idiotic party you’ve planned.”

“And that’s fine!” Eiji huffs. “If you’d just eat it _normally!_ I’m trying to make Hina’s birthday dinner here. You know before she comes back, so it’s actually a _surprise_?” He pauses, and his voice takes on a wheedling tone. “You know if you are bored enough to fool around doing that, you could help, and then it would be done faster.”

Ankh just snorts again, keeping his focus on his ice. “I’m not helping.”

“Mou, well that’s fine,” Eiji whines, trying vainly to focus on the task at hand. “Just stop distracting me, okay?” 

“Hmm?”

Ankh sucks the tip of the ice into his mouth, enjoying not just the taste, but also the choked groan that escapes Eiji. Since he agreed to _attend_ the party, it only makes sense that the best option for making sure today isn’t an entire waste is to ensure the party – _sadly_ – doesn’t happen. Smirking, he pulls the ice from his mouth with a small pop, and stalks around the kitchen island. He looks Eiji over, and – oh yes – Eiji is very _distracted_.

“Ankh,” Eiji says, firm and just a bit flustered. Ankh looks him over again, more slowly this time, before lifting his eyes coyly and giving his ice a long lick. “We are not having sex in the kitchen. We cook food for people in here.”

Ankh snorts and rolls his eyes, since it really is starting to look like he’s going to be stuck in here for the whole day while Eiji cooks for Hina, _and_ then stuck at this stupid birthday party. Given Eiji’s reaction, i.e. the fact that he’s not leaving the kitchen, or at least removing Ankh’s clothes, it doesn’t _seem_ likely he’ll be able to convince Eiji that he could be doing something constructive like hunting yummys, blowing Ankh, or collecting his missing medals. But still, Ankh considers, he’s always been willing to make sacrifices in the battle if it wins the war.

Looking Eiji dead in the eyes, he sucks the tip of the ice into his mouth. Relaxing his muscles, he lets it slide in until he can almost feel it against the back of his throat, fingers brushing against his lips, before slowly pulling it out.

Eiji’s expression doesn’t change – then again he always looks a bit like a startled rabbit to Ankh – but he carefully puts the knife down, and scoops up the chopped carrots. Turning, Eiji drops them into one of the bubbling pots behind him, and moves to wipe his hands on a towel.   




“I guess we can have a bit of break, ne, Ankh? I mean everything’s set, it just needs to cook for a bit.”

As Eiji goes and turns down the burners to let whatever he’s cooking simmer, Ankh sighs – there’s half an ice left and it seems a shame to let it go to waste, it’s a premium one after all.  Turning towards the freezer, he goes to put it back, but Eiji steps forward, blocking him.

“You could finish it.” Eiji remarks, a tone in his voice that Ankh rarely hears outside of their bedroom, or a Putotyra combo. 

Honestly, Ankh would _like_ to finish his ice – the idea of putting it into the freezer unwrapped when it could touch… _fruit_ , makes him think he might as well throw it out – but he blinks, slightly wrong-footed. He can count the number of times he’s given Eiji a blowjob – Eiji always messes up his hair, no matter what he promises – on one taloned hand, whereas Eiji watches him eat ices every day, sometimes two or three times, and this seems... _suspicious_.  

Ankh pauses, but can’t think of anything _worse_ than being social with Hina that Eiji could be trying to trick him into, and he’s _already_ agreed to that today. For all that Eiji might be an idiot, he can be surprisingly shrewd when he wants something, but all this cooking and birthday _stupidity_ seems a bit _too_ elaborate for one of his plans…

Ankh flinches as a cold droplet falls onto his hand, breaking into his thoughts as the heat in the kitchen makes the ice melt and drip. He snorts, hating the mess, and at a bit of a loss since the taste just isn’t there once it’s melted. Normally, he’d just wait for an opportune moment and wipe it on Eiji’s shirt, which is a bit difficult with him hovering the way he is right now. Well, he considers, he’ll have a chance to wipe it off on Eiji’s pants in a bit, so that should be fine. 

“I said ‘you could finish it.’” Eiji takes Ankh’s hand, and, being careful of the ice, raises it to his own lips, sucking the drop off, and nipping at Ankh’s human skin with his teeth. 

“I’d like you to finish it.” Dropping Ankh’s hand, Eiji turns, and brushes past him as he leaves the kitchen.  

Ankh supposes that confirms they’re on the same page at least, and even if this is some type of scheme, there’s likely to be sex involved. Although a good idea on its own – especially considering how the feeling of Eiji’s teeth scrapping across his skin makes heat rush through his veins – Ankh’s certain he can play this to his advantage. After all even trapped in a human body, he still recovers quicker than Eiji… So, really, it shouldn’t be an issue to tire the human out, but considering previous attempts, maybe it’ll be good enough just to keep Eiji occupied until whatever he’s cooking is ruined. Ankh follows Eiji from the kitchen, sucking lightly on his ice to stop it from dripping again. Eiji doesn’t look to see if he’s following, which he obviously is, but Ankh wonders distractedly if that might be not be a sign of other problems to come. Eiji shouldn’t expect Ankh to just follow his lead, even if it’s to sex or medals… Well, maybe medals.

As soon as they are in their room, Ankh finds himself pinned against the closed door, Eiji’s hands trapping his alongside his head. Ankh’s now quite concerned, since today Eiji seems to be more of an idiot than normal – Hina’s dinner instead of yummys, asking Ankh to finish his ice instead of a blowjob – and now instead of kissing Ankh – not that Ankh was waiting or anything – he’s licking the ice himself.  Although Ankh appreciates that at least the ice isn’t likely to drip on him with Eiji taking care of it like that, he does wonder why Eiji even asked him along if this is what he was planning. Then Eiji moves his head and fits his mouth over Ankh’s, sucking Ankh’s tongue into his mouth like an ice itself.  

Eiji’s mouth is cool, and when his tongue runs against Ankh’s it tastes sugar-sweet, rather like the man himself. And although Ankh wouldn’t say that he doesn’t like kissing Eiji normally – he just thinks it’s a bit of a waste of Eiji’s mouth – he does find he’s a lot less inclined to try to move things along when Eiji tastes of ices.   




But Eiji keeps them against the door for only a few seconds, before letting go and dropping his hand to run his fingers along the inseam of Ankh’s jeans. Ankh feels the heat of his hand quite clearly through the single layer of leather, and sucks in a startled breath. Whatever Eiji is scheming, Ankh figures, it had _better_ involve Ankh getting off at some point, or – since they are never far from his thoughts – getting more core medals.

“Enjoy your ice,” Eiji smirks, stepping back from him. “I’ll be just over there, ne?”

Ankh quickly licks off the drops forming at the ice’s base, and notes it’s disappearing quicker now as Ankh’s own arousal raises his body temperature. Ankh sometimes wonders if Eiji doesn’t do things like that on purpose, as a kind of petty revenge; it would explain why Eiji’s always around and– and _doing things_ when Ankh’s eating his ices. When Ankh looks back at him, Eiji is wriggling into a comfortable position on his bed, but he stops, sitting at the edge with his legs dangling over the side, when he feels Ankh looking at him.  Ankh notes that at some point Eiji’s lost his pants in a pile beside the bed, and his shirt has rucked itself up, invitingly showing a stripe of tawny skin and hard abs above Today’s Pants. Eiji strokes himself through the fabric of his boxers, his fingers running along lines of multi-hued gift boxes, and even though Ankh knows Eiji would rather fuck _Kazari_ than Hina – something that both comforts and pisses him off no end, seeing Eiji _decorated_ in such a manner, for _her_ … Well, Ankh has to take several calming breaths, lest the ice end up puddled on the floor.

“Mou, I figured I should have a present ready for you too. Just in case.” Eiji says, laughing at Ankh’s reaction. Ankh glowers at him even as he licks around the base of the ice, which only results in Eiji laughing harder as he pulls himself out of his boxers, cock thick and flushed in his hand.

“Since I’ve already spent today’s money on Hina’s dinner, I really don’t want to buy you another ice.” Eiji continues, already panting slightly, his hand moving slowly along his shaft. “So you just go _ahead_ ,” he smirks, lightly dragging his thumb along the tip of his cock – and Ankh blames the detective’s body _entirely_ for finding this _idiot_ the least bit attractive – “And I’ll just entertain myself,” he finishes.   

Ankh huffs, feeling annoyed for no reason he can understand, since even if Eiji’s taken leave of his senses entirely – he was serious about the blowjob – well, it’s not that he’s _bothered_ that that _idiot_ doesn’t seem interested in his offer. After all, the plan was a success, Ankh figures, it’s probably a triple win for _him_ since they’re out of that stuffy kitchen, he’s distracting Eiji from prepping for the party, and Eiji’s hands aren’t currently making a mess of his hair.

Ankh sucks at the tip of his ice – at least he can finish it off normally and without further interference if Eiji’s going to _handle_ himself – but stops, distracted by Eiji’s moan. Ankh looks at Eiji on the bed, noting Eiji’s eyes are locked onto his mouth, even without Ankh doing anything other than eating his ice as he would normally. Getting a glimmer of Eiji’s scheme – crazy as always – he can’t really help, but be a bit impressed.

 “You _watch_ me eat ices all the time, don’t you Eiji?” Ankh almost trills, noting Eiji’s blush even against his already flushed features.

Ankh takes a second to consider that once again Eiji’s managed to turn one of their deals to his advantage; after all it’s not as if Ankh is going to _stop_ eating ices any time soon. Especially not when thinking about how Eiji – _sneaky_ idiot that he is, Ankh thinks almost fondly – has been watching him for _months,_ makes Ankh’s own cock strain against the leather of his pants. With growing excitement, Ankh considers how much _fun_ it’ll be eating an ice next time Birth comes by, knowing that Eiji’s watching him and thinking about Ankh sucking him off in the middle of Cous Coussier. Ankh’s own eating habits along with Eiji’s preoccupation, Ankh thinks, might also explain why Eiji _seems_ to be so slow all the time, and Ankh wonders just how distracted he can make Eiji in the future if he plays along right now. A distracted Eiji, Ankh muses, is undoubtedly less trouble than one who’s planning _birthdays_.

Ankh slowly sucks the tip of the ice into his mouth, letting his cheeks hollow around it; all the while keeping his own eyes fixed on Eiji. Eiji, although blushing furiously, doesn’t hold back, and rewards him with a low groan, his body twitching as his fingers move to lock around the base of his cock.  

Ankh smirks as he slowly sucks off the ice, watching as Eiji works himself and shudders when Ankh pauses to swirl his tongue around the tip, just how Eiji likes it.

Remembering Eiji’s earlier reaction – although it’s not as impressive now that the ice is significantly smaller – Ankh draws the entire length slowly into his mouth in a single smooth motion.

“Fuck –” Eiji groans from his position on the bed. Ankh snorts around his ice, since although Eiji’d been tracing his every movement but a second ago, he’s now thrown his head back, and his eyes are tightly shut, which Ankh thinks defeats the purpose more than a little. “Fuck, _Ankh_.”

Ankh chuckles and although he’s rather enjoying himself – and slightly curious to see if he can make Eiji come from watching him, which would be all the more interesting later in public – the ice is almost done anyways, and he’s never been that patient. At least not with his own neglected erection straining almost painfully against his pants, but before Eiji deals with that,  this whole play will be a bit of a waste if Eiji doesn’t come; positive association and all. Ankh finishes the ice in a quick bite, tossing the stick onto the pile of Eiji’s pants, and moves over to the bed, silently dropping to his knees between Eiji’s legs. The lingering tingle in Ankh’s teeth from the ice could almost be caused by the keening sound Eiji makes when Ankh leans forward to lap at the pre-cum collecting at Eiji’s tip.

 “Oh god, _Ankh_ ,” Eiji gasps, his hands leaving his cock to clutch at the sheets. “Do you have any idea what you look like?”

Ankh snorts, and looks up through his lashes, only to check Eiji’s eyes are open again, and not at all for the way it makes Eiji’s cock twitch against his stomach. Figuring from Eiji’s reactions that he’s pretty close already, and slightly impatient for some reciprocation, Ankh grabs Eiji’s cock with his right hand, and leans over to lick a stripe along it from its base to its tip. 

Eiji’s whole body twitches this time, and Ankh digs the talons of this other hand into Eiji’s hip through his boxers, holding him down where Ankh wants him. Ankh swirls his tongue around the head of Eiji’s cock, and laps at the slit before relaxing his throat and sucking Eiji down until his lips are strained around Eiji’s base, and his nose is touching one of the _stupid_ presents on his boxers. Eiji is all but incoherent above him when Ankh hums, knowing Eiji will feel it.

Eiji grips into Ankh’s hair – _every_ fucking _time_ – and Ankh backs off so that when Eiji comes with a shout, it lands in stripes across Ankh’s cheeks, his shirt and – _Idiot_ – in his _hair_.

“Ahhh, Ankh?”

Blissfully post-orgasmic, Eiji still manages to look concerned at Ankh’s uncharacteristic dodge. Ankh shifts on the floor, absently noting the pins and needles from kneeling. He’d been too aroused to really notice it before, but in his current state _that’s_ quickly fading. Well, to background levels at least, he observes as he braces his hands on Eiji’s knees in preparation for standing. Then, in a way that Ankh is certain Eiji means to be comforting – because he’s an _idiot_ – Eiji lifts his hand from the sheets and reaches towards Ankh to try, fumblingly, to _pet his hair_.

“It would have tasted funny after the ice.” Ankh snorts, ducking out of the way; feeling the familiar urge to just light Eiji on fire. Equally strong though, is a new desire to hit his head repeatedly on something nearby, possibly the bed, which must be a _human_ thing, since he can’t see how it would result in anything, but spreading the mess even further into his hair, or putting him back into petting distance, which would have the same result. Still something about the idea seems strangely comforting as he manages to evade Eiji’s hands and stand up, rushing a little to remove his shirt.

“I’m going to take a bath. _Now_.”

But still, Ankh congratulates himself on at least a partially successful scheme, as Eiji nods at him, his head tipping back against the wall, and his body starting to loll to the side, a dreamy sort of lassitude about him. As appealing as Eiji might look right now, Ankh’s priority is getting _clean_ , which works well considering Eiji’s current state. Ankh’s own arousal, he knows, will still be there when he’s fixed his hair and isn't a sticky mess.

“I’ll come join you, ok? In a few minutes.” Eiji breathes, but Ankh knows it’ll be some time before he’s recovered, and since Eiji’ll definitely to return the favour once Ankh is _clean_ – if he knows what’s good for him. If not _Ankh_ is going to return the favour, and get him in the _eye_ next time he needs medals.  Well, Ankh figures, by the time he’s done with Eiji, either Hina’s dinner will have burned, Eiji’ll be just too spent, or those Yummys he felt earlier will be mature enough to need killing. In any case, they’ll be no more need to waste the evening being _social_ , especially since he’s already opened _his_ present.


End file.
